What Is Your Real Name
by EvieWhite
Summary: Dottie Underwood is unraveling quietly. She is unsure of who she has been and who she is becoming. Peggy Carter offers a glimmer of understanding and a conversation under the stars. Maybe even happiness.
Considering we're in sunny California the nights get rather cold, making me remember and long for the strong winter winds of Russia. I miss the freezing snow that used to seep through my mittens and the frost that coated the academy windows. I vaguely remember a time before my world was painted Red, standing with my tongue out to catch snowflakes and a sweet woman's voice telling me to come inside for hot cocoa. I never hear her voice anymore or see her face. I wonder if I look like her.

Gazing out at the city lights below me makes me yearn for the frozen landscape I once loved. There I was the best. I was the ice queen, capable of accomplishing anything, being anyone, and destroying anything. Now, these lights make me feel so small. Peggy Carter makes me feel small, yet when she's around I've never felt more alive. I don't know who I am anymore.

I am Dottie Underwood. I am 25 years old. I grew up in Russia at the Red Room Academy. My hair is naturally blonde and my eyes are a cold blue. I made my first kill when I was 9 and graduated top of my class. I was trained to have no true emotions yet here I am in knots over Peggy Carter.

My eyes sting and fill with tears, something that I haven't experienced since I was a child but I refuse to let them fall. No matter what I can't loose control. My right hand finds my left wrist without any conscious thought and rubs until my skin is raw.

"Can't sleep?"Peggy startles me and I course myself for letting her sneak up on me like that.

"No Pegs, I came out here to wish on stars." I reply sarcastically. I almost don't have it in me to go through our usual tension filled banter but something about Peggy sends sparks in me.

"Me too." She leans against the railing an arms length away from me and looks up at the sky. "What'd you wish for, to kill us all and escape back to Russia?"

I can tell she's trying to make a joke but it stings. Although I miss Russia and the thrill of snapping my targets' neck that usually makes me feel better, Peggy's suggestion makes my stomach feel awful. "I can't say it out loud or it won't come true." I gaze up at the sky too and wonder what I would actually wish for. "What would you wish for Peggy?"

She's silent for a while just watching the sky. Finally she turns to me. She has this distant expression, like she's actually somewhere far. far away, maybe even in a different time. "To be happy." Her voice is soft now, filled with longing and the sorrow that comes with missed opportunities.

"What would make you happy?" I lean closer to her, a certain tug in my chest physically drawing me in. She's beautiful with her cherry red lips, tussled dark hair, and modest green night gown flowing in the cool breeze. I can't take my eyes off her. "Would being with that Doctor make you happy?Solving the Isodine case or going back to your waitress friend in New York? You can do anything you want Peggy, so why don't you?"

"None of those things would bring me the kind of happiness that I'm talking about."

I'm the one who stays quiet now. Could she really feel the same confusion and yearning that I do? Happiness is an allusive creature. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy; I thought it was the pang in my chest after being told I did a good job or killing the marks but, now I think it must of been catching snowflakes and drinking cocoa and kissing Peggy Carter.

"What's your real name?"

"What?"

"Your real name. You must of had one before the Red Room stole it... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but for some reason I want to know."

I know my mother called me something different when I was young and happy. No matter how hard I try I can't remember it. "I would tell you Peggy, but I don't know."

Agent Carter reaches out and squeezes my calloused hand in her strong, soft one. "I'm sorry."

For a second i relish her touch but then I jerk my hand away. "I don't want your pity!" I spit out but she doesn't flinch.

"It's not pity." She says in her alluring english accent. "It's empathy." I advert my gaze back to the lights and she sighs. "Here, I wish you didn't need these but I know you do."

Cool metal is placed in my palm and I look down to find that she's given me my handcuffs back. I'm genuinely surprised and my heart seems to swell. "Thank you."

Peggy stands up on her tiptoes, just barely meeting my eye level. She puts her hands on my shoulders and searches for something in my eyes. I'm certain she finds it because the next thing I know her lips find mine. I completely melt into her. Every cell in my body forgets the pain that I constantly carry and responds to Peggy's touch.

It's over far too soon and now I'm watching her hips as she saunters to the stairs. "Don't stay up to late."

"I won't."


End file.
